Steven Wright Quotes

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How young can you die of old age?

Tags: | Steven Wright,Die,Old Age,Young,

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Tags: | Steven Wright,Fight,Same,Out,

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Tags: | Steven Wright,Good,Live,Forever,

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Tags: | Steven Wright,Day,Tired,Idiot,

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Tags: | Steven Wright,Happy,Candle,Remember,

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Tags: | Steven Wright,Moving,Looks,Like,

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Tags: | Steven Wright,People,Me,Stop,

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Tags: | Steven Wright,Clown,Friend,Friends,

Steven Wright

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