Demetri Martin Quotes

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I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Tags: | Demetri Martin,Interesting,Think,Cologne,

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Tags: | Demetri Martin,Man,Busy,Help,

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Tags: | Demetri Martin,Happy,Christmas,Want,

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Tags: | Demetri Martin,People,Situation,Driving,

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Tags: | Demetri Martin,Hope,Apple,Problem,

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Tags: | Demetri Martin,Birthday,Happy,Want,

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Tags: | Demetri Martin,Money,Writing,Help,

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Tags: | Demetri Martin,Me,Direction,See,

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Tags: | Demetri Martin,Morning,Breakfast,Believe,

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin - IMDb
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Demetri Martin | Stand-Up Comedian | Comedy Central Stand-Up
Demetri Martin: “There's something about trying to make stuff that ...

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